"Proof that we don't understand death is that we give dead people a pillow”
— Jerry Seinfeld
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
— Billy Crystal
"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments”
— Steven Wright
“My dad, growing up, called me Princess. He drilled it in my head as a kid that I'm a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don't lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.”
— Whitney Cummings
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