“I don’t even want to like, lose weight to live long or be healthy. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.”
— Tom Segura
"I don’t get these good-looking people. They spend 100% of their time on looks, zero on their personality. It’s just assumed that part’s amazing. Why wouldn’t you work on that, too? All right? Before a date, everybody goes, “How do I look?” No one ever goes, “Am I annoying?” Huh? Huh? Isn’t that more important, you know, like… that’s what you got to worry about. Like, I know I’m not a hot guy. Before a date, I’m writing jokes in my hand, limericks, anecdotes. I’m bringing it, baby. I’m tap dancing out there, you know?”
“If there’s an adrenaline rush, I will find it. If there’s an anxiety attack, I will have it.”
CALLING ALL AWARD-WINNING INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS! Send your tips to email@example.com.