MARCH 2019

(+ February because I was too tender to write one) 
Blessssss me email friends for it's been months since my last letter.... 
Last we spoke I said, "2018 was full of ups and downs."
Little did I know, early 2019 would be the highest highs and lowest lows.
I'll get to those but first, let's go back.... 

Once upon a time, 
[March 2018]  the photo above depicted how I felt emotionally, juggling more than I could handle. I was drowning & not self-aware enough to realize it. While working a full time job, producing a weekly podcast, and attempting to be a girlfriend, daughter, and friend I decided to embark on the early stages of huge new project (still to launch) plus AND created an online course, vastly underestimating the amount of time and focus it would take. 
I was failing at everything.  My anxiety was at an all time high.

Emotionally and physically I fell apart.  In the midst of it, I ended up in the emergency room, soon after that I broke my arm. It was madness.  I turned to old coping mechanisms or what I learned in this episode are my "bottom line behaviors."

Last fall I dropped a couple of the balls (fruits). I was juggling & gained some awareness, things were looking up, so I looked something like this...

 I had less fruits to juggle, but emotionally I was the same. I thought leaving my job, hiring a new assistant, and getting caught up on my emails would change me. It didn't. I was too far gone & needed time to recalibrate. I had spiraled back into my eating disorder, anxiety, and emotionally needed time to change.

This brings me to 2019, when eventually everything bubbled up to the surface. I unexpectedly dropped a another fruit. I never could have let go of this fruit myself but when I dropped it I couldn't pick it up again even though I tried and tried. It was gone, leaving me to deal with what was left in my hands and without so much fruit to distract me, finally I had to face myself.  
I would have kept juggling if I hadn't been forced to stop. Stripped of my distractions, I've had to do the uncomfortable: start to mend my gaping wounds I've been ignoring. 
This is jarring, scary, and awkward. Without my precious fruit I felt exposed, raw & very alone. Eventually asked for help... 
Reaching out for help felt embarrassing, vulnerable, and awkward. But eventually it got easier and now I've never felt more connected and less alone! 

So this is where I am since I last wrote to you. I know this is cryptic but if you've listened to the podcast you know more. 

In that last letter, I gave my "words for the year" asking you to hold me accountable and create your own. How are you doing on yours? 

To be honest, I'd completely forgotten about them until I sat down to write this.
Here's an update of where I am with each... 

Turns out, I needed more connection and support than I thought. Keeping people at arms length is my default, letting them in is actually what I need ... more to come...

It became uncomfortably clear how inflexible I'd become in my twenties. Control is my warm blanket. My rigidity holds me back. I'm diving into the deep uncomfortable sea the unknown,'s cold in here and I treading water is hard. Will I learn to float in here soon?

Check! Not to brag but,  killllling it at this one.  I've never felt more softhearted as I have these past few months. Hear about that on the podcast here, here, or here. I've been more present, open, and aware than ever, which brings me to the last word...

On a whim I booked a trip to Paris. I thought when I got there, I'd suddenly be a flexible-savoring-tender-autonomous-Parisian-esque person...but nope. I was still an overthinking-people-pleasing-rigid-overwhelmed American girl. As much as I wanted Paris to be a magic salve for my temperament but, "wherever you go, there you are."

Landing in Paris, I was still me, but I met someone who was the Parisian vision I idealized. Camille owns a start up, yet wore sneakers every day. On Monday she went live on national TV, yet spent Sunday off her phone cooking & resting on her hammock. She toured me around her city drinking hot chocolate, coffee, and wine. We ate quiche, sweet potato fries, and at one point I watched as she scooped up the excess sauce from her meal at the cafe with a hunk of bread, she had in her bag. As I watched her eat, rest, and live her life--I saw why I chose the word savor

I don't really need the other words if I fully embody that one.  Savoring forces you to be tender, flexible, and autonomous. You can't savor when you're rigid, worried, or distracted. Savoring is working when you're working and resting when you're resting. Camille did everything focused and fully. She fully savored her dog, her friends, her boyfriend, her city, her team, and her food with fervor. You could feel it. She even savored me, her American protégé--I could feel that too.

To savor is to love

I'll write or talk to you soon, but in the meantime please... 
SAVOR, SAVOR, SAVOR, and savor some more because you  you might accidentally drop an important delicate fruit if you don't...

I savor you, 

What are your savoring of 2019?  Tell me here please.

-A friend sent me this. I enjoyed it.

-Speaking of sauce my new Paris friend Camille taught me a French word for soaking up the sauce from your food. Called "Sauce" (I just had to text her out to spell and say it but she sent me an audio message attached here.) 

It's a delight to say and do. Please try it. 

-My friend Sacha turned me onto the movie Big Night from the 90s with Stanley Tucci, have you seen it? It's one to savor!  
-And listen to him on this episode of a podcast Sacha also turned me onto. We also loved particularly this episode in our family.


-I love Jameela Jamil. & love this conversation with her

-Back in NYC, I've been craving a particular dish a Cervos.

-Speaking of NYC, my Friend Karolina sent this SNL clip to be the other night. It made me laugh real hard.

-I've been missing Paris so I want to visit Buvette which Dana Cowin recommended on her LET IT OUT pod episode last year.
-I'm on a real Paris kick right now and reading this book

- Have you ever thought about starting a podcast? It's the best thing I've ever done with my time. Honestly mean that. I mean I got to hang out with locals in France entirely because of it... (and a bunch of other reasons) 

Highly recommend it. If you've ever even contemplated it slightly...

Do 3 things: 

1. Take do the first two modules of my workshop (for free) here.

2. Listen to the audio of my panel I led at the Wing called Podcasting 101 here's the free link

3. Follow my @Letapodcastout instagram & tune in when I'm going LIVE on Instagram Monday March 11th at 7pm EST and on March 19th a 3pm EST. Ask me all the questions you have about the course and podcasting!

And lastly! Email me (just reply here) if you have any questions on podcasting in general or about the workshop. 
I wrote a couple things for The Fullest:

This very personal piece on over apologizing. 

& this about 14 things I learned in my twenties. 
+ I wrote about friendship with my friend Simi in their latest print 90s themed print issue. 
Coming soon: my interview with Mari Andrew - author of the book Am I There Yet? The Loop-de-loop, Zigzagging Journey to Adulthood. In the meantime, get obsessed with her instagram.

Stay tuned! Also coming up on the podcast are interviews with Serena WolfJon Marro & more... 

I really love the response to the last few episodes of the podcast. They've been especially vulnerable. 

Listen Now

"I’ve found after every heartbreak, I’ve learned something new, become someone new, done something exciting for myself. To the point where I’m kinda like, 'If I never have a heartbreak again when am I going to learn Portuguese?' That’s the time when I’m just so good to myself.”

Mari Andrew, on her upcoming episode of LET IT OUT

photos by Christopher Saunders produced by Carolina Mesarin

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