Oh my goodness <<First Name>>, even as I write this I recognised a deep joy for the simplicity of this recognition. What I crave, is not a future outcome, a changed partner, or the absence or change of physical circumstance; what I crave, is the truth loving and being present with myself, empty of all judgement – connected.
The challenge I find, is simply a confusion of what connection is. There is nothing bad or wrong about this confusion. On the contrary, the confusion is a profound opportunity. You see, the more I judge myself, the greater the difficulty I have in healing or working with it.
If I see myself separate from feeling connection, and blame it as the cause of my inability to be what I really am, then by default I give my power to something that is outside of what I am. My confusion and frustration is quite beautiful, quite perfect, because it forces me to move towards self discovery. For without it, where would be the opportunity to unwrap the magick that exists beyond. How? It’s already happening. Do you see? Even as I write this, something inside me is opening to a new ideas. It’s this opening within that allows for change and transformation.
Not beat myself up is hard, thinking that I should be further along than where I am. As if, my present experience of confusion or disconnection with myself is somehow wrong. See that I am exactly where I am suppose to be in order to be able to go deeper and learn more about connecting with myself.
“I’m not where I should be. Therefore connection isn’t possible until I get – over there.” When I say this to myself, something within me is simply terrified to embrace that: what I am or where I am, is actually perfectly placed. Because if acknowledging that to be true, it forces me to look deeply at myself and see all the ways I judge and condemn myself.
Subconsciously this is what I have been running from, this is what I attempt to avoid through chasing the future. I don’t want to acknowledge the reality of self imposed judgments, or I don’t want to look at all the things I don’t like about myself. Why? Lol. Because I don’t like them, I am convinced that these things are in the way, so I want to turn away and just march forward with the hope I can change them, mask them, and destroy them forever.
The connection we crave, exists not in the future, but in right now.
All those things I don’t like about myself aren’t really here. Through running away from them, I have create them. If I run from something, then by default I proclaim that it’s really there. By withhold love from myself, through chasing a more lovable version of myself, in the future.
The path towards the healing, is a deep honour and commitment toward the healing of myself. Really allowing myself to stop, rest and be in the moment to heal, and to see this more clearly. I feel moved, inspired, or deeply sincere about a path of healing, or a path of simply being honest within my being, and then the mind steps in. That horrible critic letting fear get in my way, trying to protect everything it thinks I it want in the future. Essentially saying, “NO, you can’t be yourself right now, you don’t deserve it yet, you have so much more you have to accomplish before you can follow the sincerity of your desire.”
If I am going to allow myself to heal, or if I am going to authentically connect and enjoy myself, at some point I will have to recognise that the connection I so deeply crave, is not with a changed future or a changed self, it comes from connecting with the sincerity of ME, right now... read more..