Guilt, body pain through to finding joy
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Hello my dear friend <<First Name>> I am so glad you are here <3.
Creative process are such and interesting beast. I’ve spent the last two years adventuring and piecing my self back together while creating. A creation project that has really felt like I found my purpose, my passion for making with a cause, a story and something bigger than me.

Life made space for this creative passion or magic as I like think of it to enter my life when I needed something to cling to for sanity. I started this project just before a breakup that has really changed the course of my life. I’ve moved countries for a start, running away from all the pain and chasing connections with others and telling their stories to fill the void it had left. Over two years on now and I’ve started mending my heart, I’ve fallen in love with a new country and gone in and out of many phases of darkness. I’ve experienced depressions in ways that I never would have thought to call depressions till I learned more about myself.

Dark nights of the soul, periods where I’ve been processing, learning about my self in all the ways that I’ve felt pain. Even once I’d run away to Canada I’ve run from myself again. Set up life that makes sense, is outwardly successful and happy then, with poor planning and very little money put myself through a crazy adventure, pushing my limits to sit in the uncomfortable. Dreaming of a life I don’t want to run away from. The silly thing is when I run away I end up creating more space and time for really sitting with my shadow and learning to love it. Love myself.

I’m still trying to befriend it, but even lately I’ve found myself looking for that even in others. I know this all sounds like I’m torturing myself and dwelling in the past, but how can one move forward till one has put the past to rest? And if not putting it to rest, then at least feeling love towards that side of myself. I’ve not created anything in months. I’ve tried editing, I’ve poured any of the creative energy that I did. have out in to what I’ve needed to accomplish for work leaving little to no creative magic for myself for my own creative process.

My making things, the very thing that feeds my soul. I feel like I’ve sucked myself dry trying to pretend that I don’t have a hole in my heart. I think it maybe that the universe is teaching me to live with my shadow, my doubts about myself, my fears, my worries my pains about not doing, being or achieving enough, to live with the knowledge I am always going to be my own worst enemy, and that I have to stop running. I want to start making and creating and not consuming. I want to nurture interactions in my life that feel like they feed and inspire my brain.

How can two conversations feel so different, one draining and one nourishing, exciting and sparking change and a rekindling of that fire in my belly. How have I looked for this fire in the bellies of those who need my fire more than they have fire to give me. Fire to be out there in the arena conquering their own daemons and making, creating and living their magic. I see kindness and I see care, attachment and attention and mistake it for fire.

I’ve dated three people since I arrived in Canada, all for very short periods of time, each time my heart has awoken a little more, but not been ready to give, or able to stay - but mostly my shadow has come down descending on my stating what it’s expectations are of me, my critic telling me I wasn’t enough for what these people wanted.

With their permission, I share a little of this story. I briefly dated this magical unicorn and although I balked at the idea of any kind of naming, boxing or description of what we were together it was fun, new and exciting. And then I felt expectations creep in that I couldn’t live up to, pressure that only I was creating in my own head. I saw them less and less, and then after turning into a big puddle at the worst moment in front of them, knew I had to break up this “not even a relationship” undefined connection we had. Their response was magic. Holding my hand and telling me to do what I needed to do, to listen to what I needed in my body and they understood, and would be there regardless. They understood that feelings change, and body signals are always right, even if we over think, ignore and push back till we are black and blue.

Learning how to listen and decipher has been hard. This unicorn and I have such an amazingly deep and glorious friendship now. I trust them with my vulnerability. They were so kind and gracious when I needed to retreat from the relationship, that my body knows now it can be honest and vulnerable with them with out the fear of rejection. This is the key, to push away and not be rejected but embraced and set free (from my own expectations not theirs) has now brought us closer together. They observed to me recently how our intimacy as friends is so much deeper now than it ever was when we were sexual. I’m sure I still have so much more work to do to figure out the rejection triggers from a sexual perspective, but this experience has been worth everything for this tiny lesson.

I don’t know how I deviated from telling this chapter about how I lost my creativity into how I am learning to overcome my fear of rejection and my own crazy expectations of myself which I then project onto others. Maybe these things are tied together, when I can have no expectations of myself I thrive, I become the over achiever and creative machine. When I’ve been at my lowest I’ve had no thought of myself, just loosing myself completely in the creation process and incidentally finding myself so darn happy I “created” myself out of the darkness.

Now it feels different, I have more confidence, I have friends and support around me, I am no longer in survival mode, but I have no context of how to create in such a mindset, I have not idea how to manage my own expectations of myself with this confidence. My mind automatically tries to destroy my confidence so we can go back to darkness and get high on the creating drug fuelled from depression. I won’t let that happen, but I will listen to my body. When my body screams about the expectations I am putting on myself I will step away, I will look at why those expectations of myself are being created in the first place, look for that fire to nourish me as much as I nourish them. I will see when I run away and look for that kindness to accept that I need to step back to create space for me to kill off the negative voices in my head, and once killed off and time taken to love that part of me, (all it is trying to do is keep me from being hurt again) suddenly I have more space to give, love to share and happiness in myself to show to the world.

This week I have felt all these emotions, from rough numbness when I couldn’t have written half as many words to explain anything going on in my head, to frustration at my shadow, exhaustion from what my inner critic has been telling me. Then conversations with my unicorn friend and an amazing witch in the middle of no where shook me up. I’ve made time and space to slow down, process and fall in love with myself. I’ve reminded myself that creative processes are not linger, they are not always pleasurable. They are all to often filled with doubts, guilt for not having done anything, shame for having taken on such a huge project and let it lie, and the fear, crippling any confidence one has left by comparing to others. This is what creativity looks like for me.

Bursts fo insane energy coming from places of darkness in me, till I find the next hole of darkness I need to work through, and in doing so it turns that pain into such joy, and pride of the community and connections it has brought into my life. I feel silly sometimes that these lessons are hard ones for me, that maybe learning to love my darkness is messy and takes others down with it. That I feel awful about, despite living each moment of this mess in complete authenticity. I say when I am struggling, and I say when I care, and I mean it.

Stopping my heart from balking at perceived expectations isn’t going to be easy, but I am learning to communicate them better - “When you say this, I feel an expectation that your happiness is depended on me” for example. The fear of rejection is real, and I don’t yet know how to work through this, how to heal this, but I am aware, learning. I am reading books, and open to ideas thoughts and suggestions where I can learn more about this beast of a demon so I can tame this one too, and learn to love and embrace it as much as I love the other weird and strange parts of myself.

If you have read this whole story this far, I thank you for being in my life, witnessing my messy journey. My vulnerabilities as I journal through them learning about myself so I have more to give back to this world.

To my Tarot project, to those in my life that I love and my community. Thank you beautiful friend, I appreciate you.
QUEER TAROT - The Chariot
I chose the Chariot because I could relate to it in the sense that you need will power, and the desire to want to change your situation and taking the world by its horns.
Getting out there and making it happen for yourself.  I did that by becoming a refugee. I hopped on a plane and didn’t tell anyone. It took two years long years maybe even more to plan it.Read more

Queering the 2 of Pentacles

I’m doing a PHD at the moment in weird possession work, with voice integrating meditation and lots of weird vocal techniques.   Dualism and binary have such power because they are useful tools for navigating the world sometimes, that’s why they are around still. For me it’s not about discarding that or seeing through the illusion of it so much, just recognising they have limited applicability or their limitations and not letting that normalise / not letting normative power take over. Read more..

Click to check out some the previous Queer Tarot Cards
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