Dear 2019 - bye!
<<First Name>> I'm currently on holiday at my cousin's house in Philadelphia and I have anxiety.
I came here planning to do 2 days of shoots in NYC and that scares me. The big city was overwhelming when I went here with my aunt and I'm not sure I wanna go alone to Queens. (I've been there before, and it's the navigating train stations that I hate).
I was hoping to have a couch to crash in like I did when I visited Chicago. That trip was amazing… I met amazing people who looked after me. I could move my dates for a couch but I'm anxious about inconveniencing people here who are looking after me. This feels rather silly to be complaining about, but I think it's all tied in to thoughts I have about what my work is worth and what happens to my inner self when my hope's get let down.
This is no way to blame anyone but more to share a closer look into how my brain works when doing creative work.
I'm now unable to sleep because I've procrastinated soooooooo long on buying a train ticket and accommodation in NYC for the dates I want to shoot. And actually I've barely confirmed shoots. My brain has derailed my confidence and I'm scared and doubting that I should actually go do this. Inside me deep I'd be disappointed if I didn't so some last minute panic is probably going to make the impossible happen and when I'm there I'll appear modest and polite to cover up my shyness of meeting new people a strange city and asking them really personal questions about themselves.
I'll also probably wear myself out squeezing too much into one day cos I've left it to the last minute due to this panic.
Tonight I had an amazing talk with a dear one about creative self worth and how it feels like it appears in my life in opposition to a desire to always do right by people, to uphold my integrity, be caring and at the same time authentic when I'm scared and so unsure of myself.
Finding the confidence to vouch for myself in public and ask for support or speak up when something is unsettling is something I've been terrible at and am working to rewrite and embrace in myself. I'm glad I've a spontaneous performer side of me that covers for my lack of calm collected planning in the crisis, but it's not honestly that fun.
My life is slowing down and I like it, I'm still working hard but I'm trying to take time to smell the roses, be outside more, be on social media less. (Why I have a dedicated queer tarot Instagram I don't know cos I BARELY use it!) Then that whole life energy clashes with wanting to put myself out there, have my Tarot deck and art work become known and make media content for people to consume and appreciate. My story telling starts with having to find the courage to stand up and ask to tell stories because I think I'm going to be good at it - before I can even start to share stories of others around me.
The closer I get to completing photography the slower it feels like I'm moving. The closer I get to to launching a Pateron, the more terrified I am, the closer I get to when I decided to do a giveaway to grow my mailing list the more scared I feel of being called a fraud, being called out for some unintentional queer political faux pas, or for in some way being accused of causing harm to others.
Wow that feels overwhelming even naming all the things I'm scared of! I'm writing this because it's midnight and I can't sleep, I should be journaling but I've been procrastinating on that too and sharing how I feel, naming the things I'm struggling with, feels like a weight off my shoulders a little. I mean I still have to deal with all my fears, but you knowing what's going on in my brain right now feels like permission from myself to be less perfect, to do things less efficiently and to make mistakes cos I'm not perfect, I've never done this before and I don't know everything.