PAL Newsletter - December 2022

My wife and I had the privilege of watching our new 8-week-old grandson for a couple days while Mom, Dad and big sister were traveling. At this age of innocence, they don’t do much and are completely dependent on you. As I held him and talked to him, he started to smile. I realized whenever he was upset, I would do just about anything I could think of to calm him down, to get that smile back. At one point I was with him by myself for at least three hours and he was just not happy. I walked around with him, I held him, I fed him, I changed him, I took him in the stroller. I could get him to calm down for a few minutes and then if I didn’t do something else, he was back to being upset. Finally, he fell asleep in my arms and although I was exhausted, I decided not to put him down but to just sit there. I not only didn’t want to take a chance of waking him up, but it just felt right to just sit there and take this all in.

My first thought was gratitude. Gratitude for his health, for his mom and dad being in recovery and for the miracle of redemption he and his sister were in our lives when we thought, for so many years, all hope was lost. I want to tell you that I stayed focused on that, and all was well for the hour that I sat there, but that’s just not the case. My mind began to wander. I started thinking about all the bad things happening in this world, and how the drug problem is potentially the worst it has ever been. I started to think about how we could protect this innocent life from all these dangers.

The more this sank in, the more I got depressed. I started thinking about fentanyl and how the DEA is now saying that recent tests of seized counterfeit pills indicate as many as 6 out of 10 pills contain a potentially lethal dose of fentanyl. I thought about how enough pills are being seized to wipe out our entire country. And then it hit me. I can only do what I can do. Ruminating on all the bad things doesn’t help. It not only doesn’t help but honestly there are many things completely out of my control.

I was reminded of the principles we picked up from PAL. Live in the here and now, let go of trying to control other people’s lives and focus on what I can control – my thoughts and what I can do. I have no idea what the future holds for this little innocent life, but I do know this, I can choose to focus on his potential, on what can be and find a way to focus on hope. What better time of year than this holiday season to focus on hope when it’s easy to fall into a pit of despair. We spent a decade of Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays by ourselves and in many cases not even knowing where our sons were. I am so thankful for the facilitators and others at PAL that showed up during these times and walked alongside us.

As we wrap up this year, we at PAL want to keep our focus on what we can do, and that is to keep working to bring PAL meetings wherever they are needed and to support you in your journey. The articles in this newsletter are designed for just that. I pray you find the peace, joy and hope during this miraculous time of year.

Blessings,

Kim Humphrey
CEO/Executive Director

Guest Blog: Drama-Free Holidays

Our regular counselor blogger, Josh Acevedo, is on a break so we are bringing you perspectives from a PAL Facilitator.

Journal entry December 25, 2011:

“I’m not sure I would have had children if I knew I would have to endure a day like today.”

Can you relate to this? There was a time when I would have been too ashamed to share that with you. Since the holiday season is underway, I thought it would be the time to throw that out there in the event that you are feeling a bit discouraged and would like some company.

The day that I made that entry, one of my sons didn’t show up at all for Christmas dinner (he was living in his car at the time) and the other showed up loaded on heroin. Ugh. We grieved all day and my husband was up all night ruminating. Further on in the journal entry I stated that I was “losing my mind.” We were early in our PAL career and needed quite a bit more education in order to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

All of these years later as I continue to walk alongside parents, I’m reminded of those early years of pain, especially at the holidays. Nostalgia tends to get the better of us and we long for the good old days before substances hijacked the bodies and minds of our loved ones. Each year rather than write a new holiday story, I would drag myself back in time and long for the days when my sons were young, before drugs infiltrated all of our lives. As I grew in my understanding of substance use disorder and accepted that the journey was going to be a marathon rather than a sprint, I opened up to the idea of doing things differently. Maybe that is where you find yourself this year. If that is the case then read on!

Over the last few weeks, three topics keep coming up at my PAL meeting and with parents that I’m coaching:

1. What gift will I give my loved one who is active in their disease?

2. Should I invite my loved one (who is active in their disease) to the family holiday dinner?

3. Is it selfish if we leave town and go on a vacation over the holidays?

My family photos on social media are like most everyone else’s. You know the kind with the perfect family, great setting and well dressed. I’ve been married for 42 years to my amazing wife, and we have two children, two grandchildren and another on the way.

Growing up, my father had struggled with addiction and my grandfather died of complications due to his addiction. Little did I know that this terrible disease would impact my son at the age of 13.

My son has the personality to light up a room - he is funny, witty, very smart and can charm anyone he meets. When he was 12 years old, we found out that he had ADD. We did what every parent would do and met with the doctors and counselors who recommended various drugs to help him. It was during that time that my son found marijuana as a way to “make him feel normal.”

By the age of 13, my son began using drugs. The constant drama began to increase as time went by. By the age of 20, he had been to three treatment centers and his addiction became worse. It had gone from marijuana to heroin and everything in between. My son has been to 16 different treatment centers and has flatlined seven times - by the grace of God, he is still here today. I often get questioned as to “what we did." Well, we tried controlling, praying, enabling and most importantly holding on to expectations that just turned into resentments.

Spending Christmas all alone

Almost nine years ago during this holiday season my journey of recovery began in earnest. There were a lot of stops and starts along the way (several pitfalls that I fell into), but 2014 saw me in the most physically and mentally broken I’d ever been. Liver disease, abscesses, sores, racing thoughts, extreme depression and anxiety were the order of every day I took another waking breath. It was truly a miserable experience in every sense of the word, and I thank God today that I was allowed to experience it in full – to be present for that desperation and hardship that ultimately allowed me to accept a new way and grow. Without it I don’t know if I’d be here today, restored to sanity with newfound freedom, happiness and peace.

Almost nine years ago during this holiday season my journey of recovery began in earnest. There were a lot of stops and starts along the way (several pitfalls that I fell into), but 2014 saw me in the most physically and mentally broken I’d ever been. Liver disease, abscesses, sores, racing thoughts, extreme depression and anxiety were the order of every day I took another waking breath. It was truly a miserable experience in every sense of the word, and I thank God today that I was allowed to experience it in full – to be present for that desperation and hardship that ultimately allowed me to accept a new way and grow. Without it I don’t know if I’d be here today, restored to sanity with newfound freedom, happiness and peace.

One Day at a Time