Thursday, October 13, 2022
 

One of my client’s read the passage above to me in our session this week. Like many humans, she’s been battling the beast of “enoughness.” She encountered the wound of “not enough” in her family. Some people encounter it in society, others in school, and many others as they enter the workforce. There are countless other places but my client wanted to explore the four above: family, society, school, and workforce. This client is one of my tarot clients who, knowing of my training in somatic movement therapy, has asked that we begin to do more somatic processes together.
 

In our session, she presented the quote as a reflection of her present state of: “I’ve had enough of the pressures placed on me.” For her, four things were coming to a head: 1. The expectations of her family as she is about to be the first in her family to graduate from college (something I could relate to!), 2. As a daughter of immigrants and brown woman, constantly positioning herself to defy the stereotypes that society has placed on her, 3. Being pressured by academic advisers and professors to outdo herself/be better/aim higher - which undermine how far she’s come and set the tone of “not enough, do more, do better” and 4. Her new-ish employer pressuring her to have a career progression plan. My client is not alone in this pressure chamber. I have been in her exact place and it wreaked havoc on my psyche, body and nervous system. At that time I did not have the understanding or language to describe how my body was rebelling against the pressure.  And even worse, I thought that my resistance meant that something was inherently wrong with me - that perhaps I was perhaps lazy, lacked ambition, or was otherwise defective. What a load of shit.
 

My client and I discovered that she had been vacillating between fight and flight and was just about to enter shutdown. She identified fight as her inner resistance -  pushing back (at first) against her family and advisors. She identified flight as whenever she got herself good and busy obsessing about other things, avoiding family, advisers, colleagues, and running out the room fast when her new boss approached. But procrastinating, avoiding, busying and pivoting were increasing her distress. She was entering a new state, where she felt unable to face anything, and also felt completely frozen - unable to take any action at all. It was too much. Her system was on overload and she was on the verge of shutting down. She wanted to not be noticed at all or to disappear completely. Does this sound familiar to any of you?
 

When invited to explore a tarot archetype that might reflect how she’s feeling my client chose the 9 of Swords - often associated with anxiety, the individual in the image is usually holding their head in their hands, unable to look up and too consumed by circling thoughts to notice that comfort is available to them. This is the card we may get when all the pressure that haunts during the day is starting to keep us awake at night - when our minds and bodies can’t find respite and we feel doomed. She also chose the 2 of Wands as her “terrorizer” - usually associated with visioning and planning for the future. She said the person holding the globe/world in their hands and looking out towards the horizon caused her chest to cave, breath to shallow and throat to constrict. When guided to choose a card that could offer some comfort or hints at self-regulation she chose the Page of Cups.
 

Now I am only sharing this story (with permission from my client) because we (class) danced with the Fool and the Page of Cups during the past Wednesday’s Embodied Movement Explorations for Body Wisdom and Wellness class. I saw my client after that and so it really blew my mind that she chose that card. Her interpretation of the Page of Cups was that it seemed like an invitation to have a conversation with her spirit (side note: she is a Pisces so she resonated with the fish popping out of the chalice in the image) and more importantly, to pay attention to her emotions so that she can discover the right authentic way forward for herself - the path that would honor her heart. She also said that she chose it because she wants to remember what it is like to be a child in their phase of exploration for the simple enjoyment of learning. No demands. Just be, feel, and follow her heart. She never had this as a little girl. She had a lot of demands and as she said, “no room for feeling, heart, and minimal time allotted for enjoyment.”
 

So let’s come back! First some clarity - My somatic therapy training with the Leven Institute did not use tarot. This is my work. But my training DID teach me to identify nervous system states and how to guide clients to safety, acceptance, connection and self-regulation through body-based practices, particularly the expressive arts. So in our session we took the 9 of Swords (reflection of her nervous system state), 2 of Wands (the catalyst for her nervous system state) and the Page of Cups (how she wants to feel) and did an exploratory dance embodying these three cards.

Card images: The Mahogany Tarot
 

My client lead the way. She didn’t have to move with all three cards but she wanted to. She said it was important to her to embody the energy of her aggressors (the 2 of Wands) so that she could more fully understand how it was landing and showing up in her body. What was revealed to her through movement was so beautiful - she realized that there was a 2 of Wands energy inside of her. The 2 of Wands was a symbol of how she found acceptance and belonging in her family, society, school and work. As long as she was the one who had a dream and was striving for more, her existence would be affirmed. No one is to blame for this. We all want and need to feel bonding with others and how those bonds form can be nuanced. My client, through her own dance, realized that she wanted to be loved for more than the ambitions and accomplishments that she’d been validated for in the past. She was starting to form a dream for herself around her humanity being enough.
 

And that brings us back to the poem she shared (above) and to my own realization that my birthday dance (shared last Sunday) was an expression of my own coming to terms with my own enoughness. I can relate, in deep ways, to my client’s experience. It hit close to home. It touched on my experience with “decomposing” and moving towards vulnerable authenticity. It brought home the beautiful lessons that somatic therapy has taught me - embodied self-acceptance. And by that I mean choosing to meet myself where I am, exactly as I am. I have known the concept of self-acceptance for a long time (decades) and I have psyched myself up and out into feeling it for fleeting moments but somatic therapy has provided me with a self-acceptance that has solid and unwavering roots. So I renamed my birthday playlist from “Birthday” to “Dancing Alright” cos that’s what I am, no matter what’s going on in my life. Alright just as I am without a need to strive, borrow, burrow, censor, edit, justify, explain, excuse or otherwise make myself other than I am. Can I get a hallelujah?
 

I hope you can join us for Dancing Alright this Sunday and we have one more Wednesday class exploring Cultivating Play with the Fool and this week - the Page of Pentacles/Child of Earth. Last week I had a cold and a pesky persistent and sometimes painful cough. I still have the cough but it’s gotten so much better so I am excited to teach both classes feeling better in my body than I did this past week.

Classes in the week ahead - Sunday at 10:00AM PDT and Wednesday at 9AM PDT 

• Sunday, October 16 at 10:00AM PDT - Somos Luceros: Dancing Alright: An Embodied Exploration of Authenticity, Acceptance & Self-Love (my Birthday playlist)
• Wednesday, October 19 at 9:00AM PDT -  Embodied Movement Explorations for Body Wisdom and Wellness: Cultivating the Spirit of Play with the Fool and Page of Pentacles/Child of Earth

• Somos Luceros on Sundays at 10AM PDT 
• Embodied Movement Explorations in Body Wisdom & Wellness on Wednesdays at 9AM PDT 
• ArcanaDance - next workshop TBA