“The world, the values of the world, are shaped by the choices each of us make. Which means my thinking, my actions, my relationships, and my life create a front line for the possibilities of the entire species. Each one of us is an individual practice ground for what the whole can or cannot do, will or will not do…

given the time on the clock of the world, how do we need to transform ourselves to transform the world? How do we need to be? How do we need to grow ourselves in order to both spark and cultivate the kinds of species’ evolutions we want to see? What do we need to practice?


This, to me, is the work of internal accountability. We are cultivating within ourselves a transformative practice that helps us heal from what the world has been, while generating what the world will be.


We must become accountable to our time, our earth, our species, our people, and our loved ones, from the inside out…

We live (and die) inside of systems that were imagined centuries ago by those ambitious and narrow minds of colonists and patriarchs. We live inside the lineage of relatively ignorant imaginations, which were obsessed with protection and domination. But we know so much more now. We know each other’s pain and complexity now; we know we are one interconnected ecosystem—so far the only planetary development specifically like us. 

The fragmentation that has resulted from colonial constructs of race, gender, class, and power has wounded many of us so deeply that we identify more with the wound than with any experience of wholeness or oneness. Because we identify with the wound, we fight against each other over differences that don’t need to be battles. We opt in to these constructs, often without conscious choice…

recognize that you have healing to do, given the conditions and legacies you were born into. There is healing related to how your people have suffered, and healing related to how your people have created suffering for others…

I know I am in healing dynamics with others when I can fully be myself, without feeling pressure to wound myself with contortion, dishonesty, or overextension. How do you know when you feel healing in yourself, and in your relationships?

…internal accountability is about moving from fragility to fortitude, from within. You are not a set of constructs easily destroyed, you are a whole being inside of a whole ecosystem, and you are healing. You can be intentional about directing your energy’s flow to the places and memories that will be most healing to the deepest wounds within you.”  

- Adrienne Maree Brown, Murmurations: Returning to the Whole (Yes Magazine) 
 

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Thursday, June 30, 2022

As I read the complete opinion piece excerpted above, written by Adrienne Maree Brown, I reflected on the past month in which our Wednesday Embodied Movement Explorations class has spent exploring the 7 of Pentacles and the theme of Devotion to our well-being. You see, I got the 7 of Pentacles this morning when I did my morning journaling and card reading. It felt like a nod from the card, a gesture of acknowledgment for having spent the past month exploring what it means to do the labor of cultivating a garden of well-being for our lives. A guiding aspect of the 7 of Pentacles is that we reap what we sow. Our dedicated labor will produce a harvest of some kind. In this card, we are personally accountable to the health of our metaphorical and literal garden. We have to show up and water the ground, ensure the balance of light and shade, remove the weeds, protect the seedling from anything potentially harmful or invasive so that it is FREE to grow and thrive, etc. None of this can happen without our capacity to be aware, attuned and attentive.

And so I wonder, as our country feels like it’s once again coming apart at the seams and I am absolutely sickened about the overturning of Roe v Wade, what are we collectively laboring for? What are we cultivating? What are we doing to, and for, our ecosystem? What is our relationship with personal accountability? And collective accountability? What is dying in our gardens due to neglect, abuse, or over-doing? What is vulnerable because it doesn’t have protection and safety? What has happened to our capacity to be aware, attuned and attentive to each other? We are causing one another more trauma that will ultimately be transferred to the next generations. This entire world is our garden - it is our shelter, our source of companionship and belonging, and the great provider of our lives. I am not just talking about the care of our lands. I am talking about humanity - we are each others gardens. We can’t afford to pass off the caretaking or stewarding task to someone else. Each one of us has to play some part. I pray that healing plays a role in our doing.
 

Shortly after I pulled that 7 of Pentacles card this morning, I received a text from my dear friend and longtime community member, Krisztina Nagy. She said, “Happy Anniversary Jennifer! 2 years of dedication, commitment and perseverance to bring healing ❤️‍🩹 to this world.” The text was accompanied by the photo to the right. I saw both the text and photo and burst into tears. Krisztina was acknowledging and celebrating the two years since I began teaching somatic yoga-dance. The class began on June 30, 2020 as Coming Home to Ourselves Yoga Practice, evolved to include Somatic Yoga-Dance, and is now Embodied Movement Explorations for Body Wisdom and Wellness. At the heart of this class is cultivating practices to befriend and heal our bodies, hearts, and minds. But it is so much more than a movement practice. We are a small and mighty community that has been dedicated to this weekly practice and we have have been a source of support and healing to each other as many of us experienced health scares, cancer diagnoses, surgeries, deaths, losses, and uncertainties. Community member Peih Chiang has called us the “angel detail.”
 

My tears had a lot to communicate to me. They speak of gratitude. They also speak of sadness. After Krisztina sent me the text, I showed up to my Somatic Therapy clinical supervision meeting, with tears (of sadness mixed with gratitude) still in my eyes. My mentor/therapist helped me to identify and articulate the depth of what I was feeling. The first realization I had was that I have been so busy learning and working that I didn’t pause to notice this milestone. The second is that I feel so much internal pressure to keep going. The underlying belief I have is that my labor is connected to survival. As many children of immigrants hear from their families, the message I got was, “education is everything. Without it you will not survive. You need it for a better life. And you must work hard. Work harder and longer than everyone else. Prove yourself.”   
 

It had not hit me until today that my dedicated and devoted labor was over-coupled with and compromised by an internal belief that I am never doing enough and am hence, not enough. Somewhere deep inside I fear that I stop laboring, I won’t survive. And this fear, understandable in how it was forged in childhood, has been intercepting and interfering with my inner sense of thriving. So this past month with the 7 of Pentacles has really helped me to pause, reflect, and take stock. I am aware that I love what I do and it brings me immense joy. And what I do has an impact. But of these, joy is how I can feel into my “enoughness.” Feeling “enough” isn’t an external benchmark. My enoughness can’t be proven. I will never see it outside of myself. The somatic marker of “enough” that I have been overlooking is the deep fulfillment and joy I feel whenever I craft and teach a class. It’s the smile on my face, the expansion of my heart, the depth of my breath, the care taken to weave experiences together, and the safety I feel to express myself through movement- and to share it all with heart, vulnerability, humor and humility. I thrive when I feel joy. It makes every ounce of labor worthwhile and I am learning to trust in its harvest - however long it takes.
 

Krisztina reminded me that I have been the dedicated gardener to this class (and all of my work), no matter the size (number of people) of the group or whatever else has been happening in my life. This somatic work is my garden. I am committed to it completely. I am its devoted steward. I am accountable to it. And part of that accountability is not just caretaking it into existence, but also taking time to pause, appreciate, take stock of/notice the harvest. And further, to both reap and revel in the joy that tending to this garden brings me. You are part of that harvest. Thank you for being here. It may not fix the country. It may not protect our rights. It may not ensure our collective liberation. It may not contribute to the unity of the peoples of our country. But this somatic healing work is my small part - my contribution to the healing of our shared ecosystem. May we continue to move and heal together, always in community.
 

Abuela!
Abuela will turn 104 this weekend. Her descendants and their descendants, myself included, are part of her harvest. She’s our matriarchal gardener/steward. I will get to see and celebrate her via Facetime and we will get to dance in celebration of her, via Zoom, on both Sunday and Monday. This dance is our annual tradition of celebrating Abuela Rosa <3.

Classes this week - Sunday and Monday (July 4)!

• Sunday, July 3 at 10AM PDT - Somos Luceros – Vamos a Gozar: Dancing in Celebration of Abuela’s 104th Birthday
• Monday, July 4 at 10AM PDT - Somos Luceros – Vamos a Gozar: Dancing in Celebration of Abuela’s 104th Birthday

There will not be an Embodied Movement Explorations for Body Wisdom and Wellness this Wednesday (July 6). I have houseguests and we will be going to an event on Wednesday evening. Wednesday class will return on July 13.

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• Somos Luceros on Sundays at 10AM PDT 
• Embodied Movement Explorations in Body Wisdom & Wellness on Wednesdays at 4PM PDT 
• ArcanaDance - next workshop TBA
   

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