We like to find a reason for our pain. We tend to find blame for the weather, the amount of money in the bank, the size of our house, the way our boss treats us, the amount of affection we receive, the list goes on.
But (now hear me out on this) what if none of those narratives are true? What if you were the reason for all your pain? And what if this is the best news I could have ever told you?!
Take a moment now to locate those issues causing you pain and to think about the reasons for your pain. Next, give that same exact answer to everyone else. Would we all have the same feeling? Would we all have the same pain about that? I think you’ll find that the answer is no. Your path in life has taught you about the meaning surrounding many things. These meanings create thoughts, which, in turn, is what creates the feelings we have. It feels true. It feels like a fact. But, it isn’t.
You see, we have been taught to mistakenly believe that our circumstances create our feelings. In actuality, it is our thoughts that lead to these feelings. Look at what you are thinking in and about your relationship. Write those thoughts down. Now, write down the facts. Those things that everyone could agree on. See if you can come up with different possible thoughts; Thoughts that your best friend, coworker, or an aquaintance might have about these same facts.
And now, decide for you. Do you want to keep feeling the pain? Do you want to continue to feel angry? Do you want the resentment? The disconnection? No? Then, it is time to start using new thoughts. Not for your partner. For you. You are not letting your partner off the hook. You are not going to pretend everything is perfect. You are creating new thoughts in order to help you feel better. Because when you feel better, you can show up better. And in the end, the only person you can truly manage is you.
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